Do you know how much your visits and comments mean to me?
For a few weeks I have felt sad. My spirit has been broken. I have felt dried up inside.
I would love to tell you that I have prayed about my circumstances
and what is bothering me. That I have run to the Lord and turned to scripture . . .
But it's been hard. I haven't had the words to pray. All I felt was a deep sadness. I didn't open my Bible. But I remembered scripture.
The spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with the groans that words cannot express.
I haven't had the words.
Slowly I began to find the words to cry out to God. In my brain I knew he knew. In my heart I was broken. I didn't know why he allowed me to be where I am/was.
The first few days I cried on the way to work. My spirit was broken.
I was taken complete by surprise a few weeks ago when our state
licensing came to my work to investigate me. I was even more surprised that I was accused of neglect. In a nutshell...funny I would use these words...A young child in my classroom had allergies. This child came to school one day with a rash on the back and legs. I noticed the rash after snack when going to the potty.
Long story short. The family accused me of feeding the child something that caused the rash. I feed the approved snack provided by our center. I was found completely innocent. No fault etc.
The day of the incident I had handled the situation exactly as required by contacting the supervisor etc.
I was so broken. I was so hurt. And I guess I should admit I was
angry. I don't want to say the words but I guess I really was angry with God. I didn't want to remember these words . . .
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done the saving of many lives.
You see as many of us do when we're broken. We ask God why?
Why did you allow that to happen?
But I didn't ask. Because I think I've kept telling myself I really won't know why.
I knew that eventually God would heal my heart.
I finally prayed one day and asked God to please direct my path.
I asked him if I was to stay where I am to please heal my spirit.
And actually I've stayed a little angry.
As I realized that I was beginning to drive to work and not feeling the anger and frustration anymore God was healing me.
My heart slowly began not to ache. And I caught myself smiling.
The questions are still there. But I don't ask them. I am feeling
I began to look at the options for another job in a completely different field. Having gone through the situation I just didn't want to chance putting myself 'out there' again to be accused. As the saying goes you don't have to be guilty. You only have to be accused.
My heart isn't completely healed. My spirit is still broken.
But God is healing me. I am still just going through the motions.
I want to smile again. I want to love what I do again. I want to feel free again to laugh and enjoy what I do. I want the feeling I had
when I first took this job.
I can't do it alone. I know I need God. I need his healing.
Sad to say but I need encouragement. I can't get it at work. I can't talk to co-workers. And I can't get it at home.
I don't have a group like this . . .
Will you please be my group?